We all know how difficult these weeks and ays can be leading up to Mother's Day. Special thanks to Jenna
Gleason of Cumberland, RI for sharing this with us this Mother’s Day season – Jenna found the article for her sister Alex who lost her teenage child to a tragic
auto accident a few years ago and is still struggling with her heartache.. None of us can take that pain away for
another, all we can do is hold them physically and in our hearts until their
strength returns.. and remember that the
sun will shine again – dimly in the beginning, but it will shine again.. Cherie
Houston
When Mother's Day Hurts
~ By Karla Helbert, MS, LPC,
Grief, Loss & Bereavement Topic Expert Contributor
Mother’s Day is
observed by many as a joyful day of celebration, a time when hardworking
mothers can have a chance to put our feet up, relax, be treated to breakfasts
in bed, special lunches or dinners, given special consideration. We might
receive gifts lovingly chosen or perhaps handmade by our children and partners.
The day may hold special times set aside for visiting with or talking to our
mothers, perhaps making up for time we have been apart, busy with our lives.
The idea of Mother’s Day in our culture is painted as brightly and sentimentally
as any Hallmark commercial.
The truth is
though, for many, Mother’s Day can be a painful and difficult day. Women whose
children have died at any age, women experiencing infertility, women who have
had miscarriages, men, women and children whose mothers have died—for these and
others, Mother’s Day can be a day of sadness and loss. In grief, many days
typically perceived as happy or joyful times are experienced by the grieving
and bereaved as sad and isolating. Bereaved mothers are faced with the
experience of seeing other mothers interact with their children, of watching
seemingly happy, intact families go about the daily ordinary business of life.
People whose mothers have died hear other people speak casually about
day-to-day interactions with their mothers, or watch mothers and daughters
shopping or lunching happily. We are faced with the barrage of Mother’s Day
commercials created to tug at our heart strings (and of course, urge us to open
our wallets); and in all those things, so much of the grief we experience is
the grief for that which can never be our reality. Each person’s grief, and his
or her response to the pain of grief is always highly individual, but no matter
what, if you are mother whose child has died, or, if you are a child whose
mother has died, Mother’s Day is a sad time.
For women whose
children have died, it can almost go without saying that Mother’s Day is deeply
painful, and because of that, it should never go without saying. If you know a
mother whose child has died, at any age, please acknowledge her motherhood as
well as her pain. The greatest gift for a bereaved mother on Mother’s Day can
be the simple, but hugely powerful, recognition of her motherhood. Even though
our children have died, we are still mothers–to all of our children. The simple
act of recognition allows a bereaved mother the validation she so often seeks
and sadly, so often finds missing. A hug and a “Happy Mother’s Day,” even if
that seems improbable, could mean more than one could imagine. There are many
things supportive friends and family members can do to help ease the pain of
this difficult day for a grieving mother. Visit her child’s grave, leave a
pretty stone, a seashell or other small trinket, and let her know. Talk about
her child. Use her child’s name in conversation, no matter how brief. All
bereaved parents long to hear other people speak their child’s name after he or
she has died. Many non-bereaved people think (wrongly) that if they mention the
child, this will somehow “open the wound,” or “remind” us of the loss. You can
trust that we are already thinking about our children, that wound is
ever-present. Our children are never, ever far from our hearts and minds. One
of the greatest fears for a bereaved parent is that no one, except for us, will
remember our children. If you have a special memory of her child, send a card
with a story of that memory enclosed. It will be a cherished treasure. Even a
card simply wishing her a happy and peaceful day is a gesture that is greatly
appreciated.
When we are
bereaved mothers who are also fortunate enough to have other children who are
alive, we continue to miss and to mourn the ones who are not here for our arms
to physically enfold. For these mothers, acknowledging their child who has died
can be an incredibly meaningful gift. One child does not replace another. We
celebrate in the joyful presence of our living children and deeply mourn the
absence of the ones who are not here sharing our daily lives. Remembering that
we are mothers to all our children is such a special act.
For women who
have suffered early miscarriage, women experiencing infertility problems, or
for birth mothers whose birth children have been placed in adoptive homes,
Mother’s Day can bring a silent and isolating grief. Much of society does not
recognize the loss that can be inherent in these women’s circumstances. Simply
letting her know that you are thinking of her on this day can be welcome
gesture. A phone call to check in and a simple, “I was thinking of you today
and wondering if you were doing ok.” This can allow her to talk about her
feelings if she chooses to do so.
For any person
whose mother has died, Mother’s Day can be a painful and sad time. A tradition
of the not so long ago past called for corsages to be worn on Mother’s Day. A
red corsage meant that person’s mother was still alive. A white flower meant
their mother had died. Those who wore white flowers were most likely given
extra hugs or an extra squeeze of the hand. The openly worn symbol of the
flower allowed others to feel freer to talk about the woman who had died, to
feel invited to share remembrances or condolences. In our society where
mourning is no longer a widespread or open practice (though I am working hard,
along with likeminded friends and colleagues to change that), other community
members may not always feel they can openly discuss “the departed.” If you know
someone whose mother has died, or if you knew his or her mother, perhaps
sending a white flower in memory of their mother may be a lovely gesture. You
might also consider sending a card or letter, or making a phone call
specifically to share memories of that person’s mother. Taking a moment to let
her child know how much she meant to you, can be very comforting. If you know a
young child whose mother has died, acknowledge that child’s pain and let that
child know that you are a safe person to talk to. Again, sharing memories of
the child’s mother can let that child know how much his or her mom meant to
others.
For all of us,
childless mothers and motherless children alike, planning a way to remember our
deeply cherished loved ones is very important. Make a plan that will honor your
mother’s life, your child’s life. Acknowledge their presence in your life, your
heart and your mind. Honor your love for them, as well as the pain you feel due
to their absence. Create new traditions for this day, such as lighting a candle
or saying a prayer, or wearing a flower. You might wish to donate to a charity
in your child’s or your mother’s name, plan a visit to the burial site, plant a
tree, create a work of art or start a scrapbook. Read your mom’s favorite book,
watch her favorite movies, listen to songs she loved. Name a star after your
child, make his or her favorite food, plan a balloon release with notes to him
or her written on the balloons. No matter what, you are always a mother. And no
matter what, your mother is always your mother. We can remember them with love.
I vividly recall
the first Mother’s Day after my son died. It was a very sad, painful day. The
beauty of spring itself seemed to exist solely to mock my childless arms. On
that day, my husband and I planted a tree in our backyard. I had originally
planned to plant a tree for our son so that he could watch the tree grow as he
grew. Instead, we planted the tree in his memory. The choosing of the tree,
bringing it home, digging the hole, and the placement of the tree itself, were
all acts that meant more than the simple planting of a tree. The act was
elevated to ritual status and was very healing and comforting. I placed special
stones around the tree, hung wind chimes and placed special ornaments in and
around the tree. Caring for the tree has become a way of demonstrating our
on-going love for him. Weeding, decorating the area, watering and fertilizing
the tree have allowed for that loving memorial to continue. The tree is visible
in our back yard from every window that looks out of the back of our house;
kitchen, living room, bathroom, hallway, office. While nothing takes away the
pain of missing my child, the ritual we created together to honor his memory
made that first Mother’s Day more bearable, and is a constant reminder of our
love for him. Seeing the tree bloom each spring and watching it grow a little
taller and stronger with each passing year underscore the tree’s symbolic
representation of our ever-present love for him and his presence in our family.
If
you anticipate that Mother’s Day will be difficult for you, whatever your
personal circumstances, spend some time making a plan for honoring, remembering
and memorializing. Think about doing something to care for yourself as well.
Self-care gifts such as massage, manicure, pedicure, can all help to alleviate
stress. Ask for what you need. Taking time to be alone, to journal, to take a
walk, spend time in nature, or simply to rest can be very helpful. If you need
support, ask for it. If you worry that no one will do anything for you on
Mother’s Day, be pro-active and tell your loved ones what you would like to do
to observe the day. Plan a lunch or dinner with supportive friends or family.
Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
