Thanksgiving Prayer

On this Thanksgiving Day, I just want to take a moment to wish you and yours a peace filled Thanksgiving holiday.  I believe that our children are smiling down on each of us, thankful and proud that we are their moms, and that we continue to carry them with us into the future - yes, they are our children and always will be and for that I feel blessed and thankful..Cherie Houston

Lovingly shared from TCF - Written by Charlotte Irick TCF, Idaho Falls, ID

I'm thankful this Thanksgiving

That my grief is not so new.

Last year it was so painful to

Think of losing you.

Death can't claim my love for you

Tho we are far apart,

Sweet memories will always be

Engraved upon my heart.

Time can never bring you back

But it can help me be

Thankful for the years of joy

You brought our family.

To all the parents with grief so new

I share your loss and sorrow

I pray you find with faith and time

The blessings of each Tomorrow.

Finding reasons for thanks, at Thanksgiving, is difficult

For those of you who are experiencing your first or second Thanksgiving later this week without your children or grandchildren, know that during Thanksgiving dinner when everyone proclaims what they are thankful for, your heart will probably skip a beat, and tears may well in your eyes and in your heart you might think, how can I be thankful - my child is dead...  But also know that in time, despite the horrific pain you feel now, there will come a time when you will be so grateful for every moment you had with your child or grandchild... even for mom's who never got to hold their babies, in time even they are grateful..

There is a blog that I visit often (www.grievingparent.com) This blog is written by a dad who lost his young 22 year old son Richard on May 25, 2009, just a few months before my own son Bobby died on September 19th 2009.

I found the blog within weeks of Bobby's death and I continue to visit the blog often  and still gives me tremendous comfort; probably because so much of what Joe Mudd writes, is what I am feeling so that helps me to know I'm not alone, it's OK, I'm normal, I am not going crazy.

Surprising isn't it, that many around us who fortunately are not part of this "unique group"; seem to believe that once the first year of grieving is over, then of course; we will be "better"; we will have "moved on", but those of us who are part of this "unique group" - we know too well that this "new normal" is not something we get over, get better from or move beyond; it is simply a pain that gets a little softer and that we learn to live with..

Instead I imagine that, like Richard's dad, most of us are very grateful; thankful that we had our children, no matter how short their time and yes, this unbearable pain, is worth whatever length of time we had them...

This is the post that Richard's dad wrote in 2009 on his blog about his son.. sentiments I think so many of us share - so as you prepare for Thanksgiving without your beloved children, it is OK to be thankful for all that they gave us and for all that we have now.... Cherie Houston

by Joe Mudd on November 26, 2009, Joe is a dad who writes a blog about his son Richard, who passed away on May 25, 2009 - Joe's blog, which has truly become a favorite of mine is: " www.grievingparent.com; Stop by and visit sometime...

It’s Thanksgiving Day 2009 here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us. It has also been six months since our son Richard, who was only 22, died on May 25th of this year.

So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge part of our life missing. It takes more work to find it, but yes, there is much to be thankful for.

I’m grateful for my great family and friends. All the love and support they’ve given us has been pulling us through this process. It still hurts, but I can’t image what it would be like without them.

I’m grateful to have my beautiful daughter and the grand-dog home with us for this holiday. She’s a very special young lady.

I give thanks everyday for the wonderful memories. They make us realize how much we’ve lost, but they remind us of what we had. And it was special.

And this one may make you think I’ve gone completely off the deep end. I’m thankful this hurts so very much. No, I don’t enjoy the pain. It’s nearly unbearable. But this pain is so intense because we had so much love and fun with Richard. He was a treat. We had a special relationship his whole life. I wouldn’t change much.

Of course there are some things I’d like to have been able to do. Richard did shot put and discus in high school. Because I work second shift I wasn’t able to be at all those week night contests. I would love to have been there for everyone.

And I missed most of his weekend camping trips with his Scout Troop because I had to work most weekends. But those weekend work days made it possible to send him to a great high school. He loved St X, and the teachers and programs helped make Richard into the fine young man he became. So I owe them my gratitude too. And his Scout Leaders led him to Eagle Scout. More to be thankful for. But we still had a lot of fun together. He never became the surly disrespectful person so many teens turn into.

I’m grateful we had our kids. They taught me what love is all about. They made me a totally different – and much improved – person than what I was so many years ago. And Richard was a huge part of that.

So yes, finding reasons for thanks is a hard thing. It takes work.

About a year before Richard’s death, an employee of one of our on-site vendors lost his entire family in an auto accident. His wife and three kids gone. My friend Kathy, who hasn’t had children yet, asked me, “If you knew you would lose them early like that, would it be worth so much pain? Would you still want to have them?” I told her I thought I would, but because I’d never had to face that kind of pain and couldn’t really imagine what it must be like, I didn’t know for sure.

I now live that pain. I know the answer. Yes I’d gladly have him again.  He was worth it.

A Forgiving & Peace Filled Thanksgiving

For the last few months I've been trying to think of what I would say about Thanksgiving this year. Yes, Thanksgiving is next week and as each us prepares for the holidays without our beloved child or children, for some it will be our first Thanksgiving and for others it will be our second, fifth or thirtieth - the number of years doesn't matter.

Yes there is no doubt, the holidays are difficult, but remember, the anticipation is usually more difficult than the day itself.. For our family, it will be our fifth Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday season without our 36 year old son Bobby and more than 40 years for both of my daughters, Randee Marie & Robin Marie who died in 1971 & 1972..  No matter how much time has passed since their deaths, the ache remains, a all of the “if only’s”  resurface, but what has changed over time, is that I find myself smiling a bit more than crying when the memories flood back!!!

I originally shared this article with all of you back in November 2010, the 2^nd holiday after Bobby died…  It was written in 2006 by a dad who is a member of the Bereaved Parents group in Northern Texas, I thought it's perfect to help me and maybe others who might not understand why others around us can't feel our pain. I hope it helps you, as it has me, to gain some insight about forgiving those around us who may not understand our heartbreak and sadness and may they never know this hurt.   So as we all we all prepare for this holiday season, forgive those who don’t understand and may we all find peace as we remember and offer thanks for our beloved children and all the joy they gave us..Cherie Houston

~ Written by Jim Hobbs, BP/USA of Northern Texas from “Where Are All The Butterflies”

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift! Thanksgiving Day brought family gatherings and good food. Late on those afternoons, we would return home full from over-eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It was also a day that reminded us of everything for which we were thankful. We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc.

The death of a child changes our perceptions, however. When the family now gathers around the Thanksgiving table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. When our nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish for a story to tell. (Of course, when I say no one else, I exclude my wife and daughter. I’m sure that they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times. We still have much to be thankful for, we bereaved parents, and we should remember that.

But now Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for us too, doesn’t it? It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot and do not acknowledge our missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. On a day on which we offer thanks, we can and will climb another step on our ladder to recovery. I hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

Remember the moms of Veteran's today

On this special day, November 11^th, intended to honor our veterans, I wanted to find just the right words of thanks for those of our moms who raised beautiful children, children who choose to defend our freedom and gave the ultimate sacrifice –their lives… 

The moment those children (adults, men & women, some young, some not so young, but to a mom no matter what their age they are always our children); made the commitment to join the armed forces, their lives and their families lives changed forever. 

Some, sadly, were not meant to come home alive.  The how’s of why they died while in the armed forces isn’t important ~ they were soldiers and died as soldier; they were a parent’s child and died a parent’s child that is all that matters.  For their sacrifice to agree to serve our country and protect our freedom, we are and will always be eternally grateful.  We assure them and their parents, that they will not be forgotten – sleep peacefully our beloved soldier children and know we will be forever grateful that you were here and for all that you did ..Cherie Houston

I couldn’t find just the right words, but thought this note written this year on “Independence Day” speaks volumes to our soldier children’s memories…

~ July 4, 2010 ~ Eileen Marie Hines: To All Our Soldiers and their families

I am very humbled and grateful to be able to speak out concerning so many of
our children that have died for us and their country. I know many people who's
names would never fit in a large book, through my life, that spoke of soldier's,
men and women alike that were just your average next door neighbor that loved
and believed we live in the best country in the world!

My husband and I have raised our children to respect, and honor those that are serving in any capacity for freedom and helping other folk less fortunate than our people are here in the United States.

There is something mentioned somewhere that when one human being suffers, we are all touched by their suffering. This applies as well to our fallen comrades. We are so very, very, proud of them and their families for having given the ultimate sacrifice. We also know that it was not in vain. What we don't understand now, will become clear to us later.

The Commander-in-Chief, (GOD) has them safely with HIM for the present. We will get to see them later. I'm sure the medals HE will be passing out are far more wonderful. I know several, personally that have passed on to HIM. I miss them, but they made a difference for a lot of folk. Thank you- You will never be forgotten, just like those that are serving our country now will not be forgotten. Sincerely, Eileen Hines

"Common Sense" - Grief rules

“COMMON SENSE”   GRIEF RULES

In her work as a Bereavement Counselor for funeral homes, Margaret Gerner of St. Louis MO  contacted family members who had lost loved ones approximately eight weeks after their deaths.  The largest percentage of them were what she called “I’m Fine” calls.  Surviving family members say they’re ‘fine.’  In truth, many of them are, but more of them are not!!   She says she hears comments such as:

 “I’m keeping busy so I don’t have to think about it” or “I hurt at first, but I just have to give it time.”  Or “I try not to cry in front of my family.  It upsets them so much.”  Very few people will admit that they are hurting. Unfortunately, this denial of grief is all too common in our society.  Actually, we have unwritten rules about it. 

The Rules ARE:

• Ÿ  Bury your feelings
• Ÿ  Replace the loss
• Ÿ  Grieve alone
• Ÿ  Give it time

Did you pick up any of these rules in the above comments? 

We live in a fast paced society that does not allow the deep, searing emotions that occur at the death of a special loved one, especially at the death of a child.  It’s not comfortable to listen to another talk about his or her child, or cry, or show pictures of them.  We are asked to ‘get on with life.” ………….. Thus “The Rules” !!!

As a bereaved parent, we pay a high price for those rules…….We pay the price for swallowing our emotions in illness and chronic depression that can plague us many years after our child dies.  We pay the price in a prolonged sense of isolation because we can not share our pain with another.  We pay the price in self-blame when that magic year mark comes and we aren’t   “over it.”

We never stop and ask ourselves who said we have to keep busy, that crying is weakness, that talking about our deceased child is morbid, that we must think only of the ‘good’ memories, or that time heals all wounds.  We just take what society dictates as ‘truth’.   “THEY”  ARE NOT  ~ Society IS NOT  !!!!

Ignore these Rules!!!  Let yourselves grieve in healthy ways. 

• Ÿ   Do not bury your feelings.  Let them out.  Get angry when you need to!!!!
• Ÿ   Cry when you are hurting….Talk out your guilt!!!   Don’t try to replace the uniqueness of your child.  You CAN NOT!!! 
• Ÿ   Don’t grieve alone.  Find people who will listen non-judgmentally to your story told over and over again. 
• Ÿ  Let GO of the mistaken idea that time heals!!  Time, in and of itself heals nothing.  It isn’t time that heals: it’s the grief work that you do while the clock ticks away that heals….. 

Look at what you are being told about grief.  Question who “THEY  are and  What “THEY”   know about grief.  Don’t listen to those who tell you not to grieve.

Would you consult your neighbor on financial matters if he were a mechanic?  Would you ask an attorney about your stomach problems?   Of course you would NOT.  So why listen to those who tell you how to grieve when they have absolutely NO knowledge of how to grieve or how to recover.

The loss of a beloved child creates a big change in your life.  Do NOT leave healthy recovery and positive personal growth to “Common Sense” rules.  Keep in mind that while the Rules may be “Common”………..they don’t always make….”Sense.”  

Adapting to the loss of our Children

Thank you Paula B. for sharing this article with us - Paula is a member of BP/Bereaved parents in Ohio and shared this within months of when I first began this blog...   she said it helped her to realize she was going to survive the loss of her beloved daughter Sara, who was 20 when she died several years before in an auto accident..  I hope it will also help you as you strive to find peace and your new normal...

"Adapting to the loss of a loved one"

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. 

Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you usually don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Remember and Honor Your Children Today

I originally wrote and posted this 2 years ago on November 1st 2011, but I'm hoping you won't mind if I share it again today 2 years later..

Since my first child, Randee Marie, died in March 1971, the most common fear I've heard repeatedly from moms (and dads) of children who have died, is the fear that their child will be forgotten.. That thought is almost as unbearable as the actual loss of the child... It’s important to us, that our child, no matter their age, never be forgotten..

The images I'd seen growing up of "The Day of the Dead" celebrations used to make me squeamish!!! But now that I understand the celebrations and reasons for them, I'm in awe and have a new respect for these special days - Yes, now that I know their intent is to honor and remember our family members who have died, I'm appreciative of this wonderful reason to celebrate. Imagine, a whole day when we are encouraged to speak our child or children's names, to talk of them and all that they meant to us - yes to celebrate them!!... So if you, like me, don't understand very much about this tradition, I hope you'll allow me to share what I've learned...

I was raised Catholic, so I knew that in most countries with a Roman Catholic heritage, All Saints Day and All Souls Day were religious holidays, days when we went to mass and silently said a prayer for those who had died. I was truly surprised to learn that in many countries, these "holy days" are truly celebrated - people actually take the day off work, go to cemeteries with candles and flowers, and give presents to children, usually sweets and toys and spend the entire day remembering those who have died.. Until I began researching the "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day", I didn’t realize that many, if not most, cultures around the world have a specific day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members and their traditions often include celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to their open prayers and remembrances of the departed.

We all know that death is a part of life, it is something none of us can or will avoid; we will each lose family members and friends - then why is it, that so many people seem to avoid any aspect of the subject of death, never mind actually talking about a specific family member who has died.. And if you want to see real panic – mention your child who has died?? Is it me – why is it if I mention the names of any of my children who have died, panic seems to set in to those aound me.. they have funny looks on their faces? Do you get that same reaction?

There are times when I've mentioned that I’ve had children who have died, I immediately feel the chill!! And I know that most of those around me, hope I will quickly change the subject to the weather, sports or even the latest tabloid headline... anything - just change the subject!!!

So maybe that is why “The Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico, Latin and South America began to intrigue me... Did you know by the way that these celebrations, intended to celebrate and honor family members who have died, have gone on for as long as 2,500–3,000 years.

Did you know that typically November 1st (“Day of the Innocents” or “Day of the Little Angels”) honors children and infants; whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2nd, similar in the same Christian culture as All Souls Day.

During this time family and friends go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed, here or at home they will build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed, flowers and other gifts. They hope to encourage visits by the souls and they are anxious for the souls to hear the prayers, praise, comments and memories of the living directed to those who have died. How wonderful that some celebrations will take a humorous tone, as the living remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

These traditions vary in different regions, but almost all have different traditions for children who have died, verus adults. Typically on November 1st of the year after a child's death, the godparents set a table in the parents' home with sweets, fruits, pan de muerto, a cross, a rosary (used to ask the Virgin Mary to pray for them) and candles. This is meant to celebrate the child's life, in respect and appreciation for the parents. There is also dancing with colorful costumes, often with skull-shaped masks and devil masks in the plaza or garden of the town - then at midnight on November 2, the people light candles and if there is a lake or river near by, they wil sail winged boats called mariposas (Spanish for "butterflies") to the other side, to honor and celebrate the lives of their children...

In many American communities – especially Texas, Arizona and throughout the southwest where Mexican influence is very strong, Day of the Dead or All Souls Celebrations are held and they are very similar to those held in Mexico. As varied as the traditions may be - remembering those who have gone before them is the main focus. Yes they may build alters in their homes and burn candles; they might brightly decorate their loved ones place of rest; they always share memories of those who are gone; many will march together wearing masks and carrying signs honoring their dead; some may carry an urn in which people can place slips of paper with prayers on them to be burned for the souls for the dead – but the one thing they will do, this year and for years to come, that warms my heart, is to remember those who have gone before them – remember them and honor them...

Personally, I think that the “Day of the Dead” or “All Souls Day” should be a world-wide celebration – a day when we can openly celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.. Because to me, and for all of us who remain behind, knowing that our children and all family members, will always be remembered in the future, is a very comforting and peaceful thought...

So today, I will remember my children: Randee Marie, Robin Marie, and Bobby Wood and I will also remember your children - I will light a candle and keep it burning today in memory of all our children. I will rejoice in what they meant to each of us and celebrate that they were part of our lives and responsible for making us who and what we are today.. 

Yes today and for years to come, I will celebrate "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day" as it should be celebrated as a day of honor and remembrance... Cherie Houston